Our personal capacities are limited, how are we spending it and how do we determine how it is spent? 

First, let me clarify what I mean by “our capacity”. When I say this, I’m referring to a person’s energy levels, attention, and emotional strength. We as humans have a limited amount of these elements of our personal capacity, and yet so many of us get caught up in spending our capacity on anger, judgement and intolerance. Anger and frustration can be an effective tool for creating change, but when we get stuck here, I have found it useful to reconsider what I'm choosing to do about it and if what I’m angry about is within my control.

New and different ideas can make us uncomfortable, and sometimes the actions and behaviors of other people can upset our own ideologies. As a person who takes pride in trying to stay open-minded, I still find myself sometimes questioning why others behave the way they do and naturally become angry or sad around the disagreement in values. I often have to spend some time alone with my thoughts. Sometimes I have to force myself to get curious and wonder what it might be like to the other person. This can take a lot of work and I have to say—it’s not easy. Ultimately, it’s to understand what I don’t understand yet. I’ve learned over the years that the emotions I feel about how others are or are not, is typically a result of my own fears, my own insecurities, and sometimes my own triggers. The worst part of this way of thinking is that it has the power to create isolation for ourselves and divide entire communities if it is left to fester. 

I want to say that at times, I find myself needing a stronger boundary if I come to the conclusion that the person I’m internally struggling with is harmful to my health (mental or physical). If their influence on my life is unhealthy, I have the choice to make a decision on who is within my environment. 

To simply judge people is easy when we’re not thinking too deeply about it. Sometimes it can even be systemic if we don’t practice rethinking how we perceive the world. We’ve all done it, but I invite all of us to ask ourselves if this judgment is worth our capacity—if there are other activities that might serve the world, or create solutions for issues that deserve attention.

I want to talk through the process of which I have rethought my own change of mind when judging someone I don’t know well: we are all extremely complex beings—each with our own stories and experiences. I have no idea what is going on in other people’s lives or what they have gone through. How can I judge people when I don’t truly know them? It’s not fair to anyone, including myself. Judging and trying to control what other people do doesn’t make us feel better about ourselves. Not only does it trap us in a constant loop of negativity, but it makes us harsher on ourselves. It’s a rigid approach to life, and it’s limiting my capacity. I hope to learn and become kinder to both myself and others. 

At Grace & Fire, we believe that Casa Tabito holistically creates a culture of understanding and compassion over judgement and they are transforming lives as a result. They believe to the core that the mothers they serve by reviving the infant lives of their children, are the true heroes of their own stories. The mothers of Casa Tabito are given the tools and basic resources to survive. Casa Tabito takes a holistic approach through education, clean water, and clean air stoves—solely from a place of respect for the situation. 

When a mother comes to Casa Tabito with a child who has an infection or other water born disease, they aren’t judging the family. They get curious about how it happened based on circumstances and environmental desperation, and—without judgement or shame—they meet the immediate need. Furthermore, the clinic, because they are reaching the most vulnerable population of indigenous Guatemalan families, is developing educational resources so that the future is more sustainable. This type of learning is not just for the family in front of them immediately. This information travels to neighbors, family members, and is taken through generations. 

Casa Tabito prioritizes understanding and patience above all else, they have created a space of diplomacy and psychological safety where Guatemalan mothers are able to show up, ask questions freely, and independently care and provide for their children. This is a testament as to why the founder of Grace & Fire has chosen to develop a close partnership with the founders of Casa Tabito—our values and approach align deeply. 

Imagine if the founders of Casa Tabito pushed judgement onto the mothers and blamed them for their child’s malnourishment. This would be completely disregarding the stories of the mothers, who live in a country where job opportunities for women are scarce. Not only that, but Casa Tabito likely would have never been founded if the owners chose judgement over genuine empathy for the devastating infant mortality rates. But because Casa Tabito prioritizes compassion and patience above all else, they have created a space where Guatemalan mothers are able to independently care and provide for their children. This is a testament as to why we need to closely evaluate what we are spending our capacity on.

I’m always reminded through stories like this that instead of scoffing, I could be patient. Instead of chastising, I could be compassionate. Now, you don’t have to move to Guatemala and transform an entire community by saving babies to make a difference—small  gestures can make a huge impact. Just being there to listen can often be enough. In his book Indictment, Benjamin Perrin talks about how Kaila—a woman struggling with drug and alcohol abuse—saw a “cup of coffee and a prayer from a stranger [as] a turning point” that led her down the road to recovery. We could be that person for someone. It really doesn’t take much and could change someone’s life for the better.

Sometimes it can be hard to tell when we are letting our fear of difference dictate our lives. But in moments of judgment or negativity, It’s a good practice to remember that there are so many other beautiful, uplifting things to spend our capacity on. 

What will you spend yours on?