Have you ever heard the phrase: “you are your own worst critic”? You probably have—whether that be from online, school, or home. This phrase couldn’t be more true. As humans, we often struggle to be kind to ourselves, but how can we fix that? 

Well, the first step to healing is acknowledgement. It can be easy to get sucked into a loop of constant negativity. We look at parts of ourselves, like a personality trait or a behavior, and see flaws. But it’s important to remember that much of who we are as people today is shaped by our experiences as a child. Being people-pleasing, or withdrawn, or overworking doesn’t make you a lesser person. It makes us human. Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving notes that the traits I just listed are often a result of prolonged exposure to unsafe environments, especially during childhood. Once we recognize that these parts of ourselves are not flaws and rather a natural result of our past experiences, we are able to have more compassion for ourselves. After all, would you blame someone else for being affected by their trauma? You probably wouldn’t, so why can’t we afford ourselves the same kindness?

One of the best examples of this can be seen with the Guatemalan women who work with Casa Tabito. For those who don’t already know, Casa Tabito provides aid for mothers of malnourished children in Guatemala. Some of their work includes administering medical aid, enrolling mothers in weekly courses (with topics ranging from breastfeeding to how to use a water filter), and building homes for families. Many of the mothers who go to Casa Tabito have discussed feelings of guilt. They talk about how they felt like they were failing their children, despite the circumstances being out of their control. But after working with Casa Tabito, they have been able to better recognize that they deserve to have compassion for themselves and their situation. These women had the strength to go to Casa Tabito, and then they had the strength to nurse their children back to health. It’s important for them to know this—and many of them do.

Sometimes, after experiencing trauma, we can start to neglect our own needs. This can happen in many ways. Maybe you are staying friends with someone who is unkind to you. Maybe you never take a break from work. Maybe you aren’t sleeping enough. Whatever it may be, we need to remember that we deserve to treat ourselves with kindness. When I’m feeling down about myself, I take that as a sign to practice some self-care. I’ll go to sleep early, or make a healthy breakfast. I’ll spend time with people who love me, or sit down and read my favorite book. All of these little things are a huge part of having compassion for myself, and I recommend saving time to do things like this for yourself, too.

The journey to healing is going to be different for everyone. It’s going to have ups and downs and everyone copes in their own unique ways. Remember that a few bad days doesn’t mean our journey is over or that it’s hopeless. Sometimes I find myself comparing myself to people online, but I always remind myself that everyone has bad days. We should never compare our experiences to others—that wouldn’t be fair to ourselves. What’s important is that we continue to be kind to ourselves even when it’s hard.

If you’re struggling to have compassion for yourself, I highly recommend reading Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. For me personally, reading books like these help me feel less alone in my situation. If there’s anything you take away from this article, let it be the knowledge that you are not alone.